dship difficult. Strangely I look around now, see myself in mirror & ask if I have changed. Have I changed or has the world around me changed. Don’t have a clear answer. I thought I understand people, that I understand relationships but somehow this has failed here. Bare a few people I really know & can begin to call my friends, the rest aren’t known to me at all. Or maybe it’s the other way around, that I haven’t let them know me. Its true I was afraid, afraid to open up, afraid of betrayal of trust, afraid of being ridiculed, afraid of a laugh staring at my face, afraid & skeptic. Moreover the very fact that my conscious was working overtime, analyzing each & every action, stopped me from being my very self, stopped me from a kid, stopped me from enjoying myself all out. After reading Freud today, I realized the reason of me keeping low for the past two months. My conscious was on a constant fight with my instinctual drives(id), stopping the very instincts of being a fun filled kid who want to enjoy life, stopping the kid inside to jump out & do whatever he wants to do, stopping the kid from being a kid. This constant tussle drained out the energy out of this body & making me a zombie who just looks, wants to speak, but doesn’t. As soon as the voice makes an effort from the vocal chords & begins to travel towards the exit, the id would just jump & catch hold of them, strangulating them mercilessly, & then warning them not to make such a glaring mistake again, mistake of attempting to be themselves. The conscious just wins every time. So the conscious is the reason for all this. Huh, so now the Freud science has made me find a scapegoat for all the actions & outcomes of my life here.I just hate walking past a person whom I know & not saying a hi even, I hate walking past people as if I don’t care whereas the fact is that I care ,I just hate not looking at their eyes and walking off or worse looking at the eyes & making the very act indifferent.
Wish to get out of this now. This is the official mode I have been living in. Need to switch over to my personal mode now. Get out and live life.
