Hating Conciousness

This has never been the case with me before. Never ever has relationships been tough for me. Never ever was friendship difficult. Strangely I look around now, see myself in mirror & ask if I have changed. Have I changed or has the world around me changed. Don’t have a clear answer. I thought I understand people, that I understand relationships but somehow this has failed here. Bare a few people I really know & can begin to call my friends, the rest aren’t known to me at all. Or maybe it’s the other way around, that I haven’t let them know me. Its true I was afraid, afraid to open up, afraid of betrayal of trust, afraid of being ridiculed, afraid of a laugh staring at my face, afraid & skeptic. Moreover the very fact that my conscious was working overtime, analyzing each & every action, stopped me from being my very self, stopped me from a kid, stopped me from enjoying myself all out. After reading Freud today, I realized the reason of me keeping low for the past two months. My conscious was on a constant fight with my instinctual drives(id), stopping the very instincts of being a fun filled kid who want to enjoy life, stopping the kid inside to jump out & do whatever he wants to do, stopping the kid from being a kid. This constant tussle drained out the energy out of this body & making me a zombie who just looks, wants to speak, but doesn’t. As soon as the voice makes an effort from the vocal chords & begins to travel towards the exit, the id would just jump & catch hold of them, strangulating them mercilessly, & then warning them not to make such a glaring mistake again, mistake of attempting to be themselves. The conscious just wins every time. So the conscious is the reason for all this. Huh, so now the Freud science has made me find a scapegoat for all the actions & outcomes of my life here.
I just hate walking past a person whom I know & not saying a hi even, I hate walking past people as if I don’t care whereas the fact is that I care ,I just hate not looking at their eyes and walking off or worse looking at the eyes & making the very act indifferent.
Wish to get out of this now. This is the official mode I have been living in. Need to switch over to my personal mode now. Get out and live life.

Static Wanderer

Minds wandering
Thoughts stable
Blank Stare
And Smile enabled

Seems like words
vibration in air
mind is numb
sounds hits my ear

Figures moving
throats tied
enacting you
me inside

Eyes open
glaze fixed
people around
i see none

Shrieking me
callin lound
lips mum
I hear no sound

Boundless mind
wandering away
a world to expore
still far away...........

(wrote while sitting wearing a tie , in a class full of people ...quite a different mood from the rest)

mighty night

I never knew nights can be so enduring, so enchanting, so mesmerizing. Today I stand in my balcony hearing the silence of the night.
The trees are singing along with the breeze, pouring the words in this quiet sound.Stars have gone for a leave today , bringing in clouds to duty.The night is silent, dissolved in the beauty of the unknown.There are sounds of the cars passing by making a hiss, as if adding music to the symphony of the night. under construction buildings stand in liaison with the night - all quiet.
They are also innocent enough to believe that the night will stay forever..and they will have the pleasure to enjoy it quietly. They are fool enough to have the dream of being untouched.
Men are trying their every bit to unsettle this night's sleep.They are scratching the roads, the sky.But ....the night remains unperturbed, showing a magnanimous attitude & letting it all pass by
Night makes you feel that you are not the only lonely one.There is someone else to give you company as well & the night perfectly fulfills that duty. There is a sweet pleasure in this night's calmness. Just sheer nonchalance.

The soul just feels like floating with the breeze & getting submerged into this night's calmness.

I thank this beautiful night for giving me company enjoying her loneliness & giving me lesson to enjoy this life - even in this loneliness.

Existence

Once upon a time there was a book. A book without any name. A book without any cover. A book without any pages. A book without any words. This was a book with just a soul. A book which was just a thought and yet to be born. Like any unborn soul who gets a body within nine months, this soul also took shape into her author’s mind, developing chapter by chapter, before finally being born. The book had a name now. It has a shining new cover and a lot of pages. A picture of a little girl in a pink frock & a silk baby pink colored umbrella, with the words written on the top spelling 'Cinderella'. The book was beaming with shine & radiance, standing on the shelf of the new arrivals, with many newborns alongside her. She was proud of her sparkling cover, her rainbow colors and more than anything else her untouched existence. She stood there watching a sea children coming daily. Children, who would pick these books with their dirty hands, smudging the beautiful covers, licking the pages with drivel and make the smooth pages rough .She hated the sight of them. There was a vanity in her thoughts & she wished to remain untouched.

Days by days passed and she stood there. The colors had started to fade. The dust had settled in. She stood there now all alone. She lost her charm and radiance. The exuberance was gone. She felt like dying, with no one ever knowing her inner being. Her wish to remain untouched was fulfilled, but she was not happy. Then one day a little girl with eager looking eyes saw this book & picked it up. She wiped her surface of the dust. Looked at the cover & with a gentle smile opened it up. The book felt the sensation of touch for the first time. She felt a wave of energy moving inside her. With every page the girl turned, she felt like a new birth. Finally the girl turned the last page & with a happy fulfilled smile, completed the reading as well the book. The book could find her happiness in the smile of the little girl. She felt her soul has been incarnated into the little girl. It was the happiest day of her life. After all the purpose of her birth, the purpose of her life, the purpose of her existence had been completed.

(This was a story I wrote some year & a half back. It was born out of a mind completely drained out when it was finished..)

Born

Today is the day when this blog is taking birth.

This will be a space where the philosophical side of a human mind crafted in words will be posted.

Looking forward to have a useful insight.